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NINE WORDS MEN USE

1. Fine: Depends heavily on the context. A ‘fine’ after asking, say, “How was work?”, means “It was f***ed, I’m not interested in talking about it”. Fine at the end of an argument, however, has the same connotations as when a woman would use it, but it is USUALLY SHOUTED LIKE THIS because us men have trouble using an inside voice when we’re angry.

2. Five minutes: What is he doing? Videogames? Five minutes is about half an hour then, or until he finds the ever elusive ‘next save point’. Getting ready for sex? Five minutes is two minutes. Preparing to leave? Five minutes means five minutes, and if you’re not in the car in exactly five minutes you will find yourself under a veritable barrage of honking until you rectify the fact.

3. Nothing: Is largely a synonym for ‘fine’, though more resolute. A ‘fine’ can be challenged, a ‘nothing’ is completely off limits, and rather than signaling that an argument is forth coming, it should tell any man-savvy woman that whatever is wrong is not up for discussion with her, her mother, or anyone she is related to. Full stop. Period.

4.Go ahead: “I’m not interested in arguing with you anymore, do whatever the hell you want. See if I care!” Often accompanied by a #1.

5.Loud sigh: Sometimes with a curse, like ‘J***s Ch***t’ or ‘F**king hell’, this is a sign of frustration, and means, basically, “I so don’t understand the issue here, what is she still pissed about? My conclusive rebuttals weren’t enough for her?”

6.That’s okay: This is a sign of disappointment. If a dude tells you ‘that’s okay’ after you’ve just admitted something, it means his respect for you has taken a free fall and he’s not sure what to say that won’t insult you, despite his current feelings. If a guy is saying ‘that’s okay’ a lot, you should examine your patterns and find out why.

7.Thanks: This depends largely on the context and intonation. Like eels and shotguns, ‘thanks’ is a slippery beast and by no means can be explained in one dot point. So I won’t.

8. Whatever: “I’m over it. I’m not interested in arguing. I still think I’m right, but you know what? You don’t, and I’m beyond caring. F**k you.” That’s what ‘whatever’ means.

9.Don’t worry about it, I got it: This isn’t often used by men, but when uttered it holds the same connotations as “Stop asking if I need help, I am a MAN, I am more than capable of handling this shit myself”. Women often challenge this, which can result in a #4 #5 combo, or, worse, a #1 followed up by an #8.

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